Batman and the world’s end

Batman picks up the phone

Joker? How are you? It has been a while. What are you up to? The End of the World? Tomorrow? Well, at least is something worth worrying about. No small fry. And where will that be?

Why in the Bank of Gotham? (….) To collect your money and deposit it right away? Sounds logical. I know the credit card companies do not wait. So, if they pay the ransom you will not bring about the End of the World? (….)

Ah, that is already defined. And you expect to collect money selling admission tickets to the show and popcorn…. Count me in. No mementos of course, there will be no one to remember the moment. However, if tomorrow is the end of the world, what do you want the money for?

(….)
Of course, I also would prefer to have it than not… And I do not expect much logic from an immature insane criminal who goes in disguise and makeup. Not that I’m much better.
(….)
What time do you think you start? …. That early? On a Sunday? Then I would arrive near the end of the story, let’s say at 11.

Who will go? … Riddler, Penguin … I would go with Robin. … Also Captain Cold? … But there will be all men, dammit. How boring … Of course if you were alone with Catwoman I would bring Batgirl. … Sounds good. And after your doomsday the four of us can have a drink together… Well, okay, BEFORE the doomsday. Not that I do not trust you. You are the greatest criminal mind I ever met. Still, let me remind you that you already attempted doomsday before. Do you remember? It failed. … Yes, it rained, I remember. Of course, you could not work well under the rain. I hope this time you get it all right. I do not want to go to work on Monday. Mondays are awful. And next week there would be a marriage in my wife’s family, and I do not like those things. I have no money for presents either. End of the world and goodbye. And there is something else, we will have a drink or something to eat, and pay by credit card. We will not have to pay for that. I am already enjoying it.

No, do not worry for me; I will not interfere with your plan. I’m not going to fight, I have low back pain and my bones break easily. All those years living in a cave and going out by night took its toll: raquitism. My mother always told me “you need more sun”. Anyway, I will just perform a nice act. I will arrive quite late, pretend to fight a bit, move around in order to show the commercial logos in my cape and suit, and that is it. I need to show up on TV, even for a few minutes for my wife to see me. If she realizes that instead of working I was having a drink with a lady or two, the end of the world is about to get into my house … … No, do not get mad, I know that the real end of the world credit is yours, mine was just an expression. …

Incidentally, how do you plan to bring about the End of the World? … Bomb threats from the Russian to the Americans, and vice versa? … Sure, a little push and they themselves will do the job.

So, I will invite Batgirl for tomorrow morning at the bar by 11 a.m. And what time would then be the end of the world? … How about 1 p.m? …. I ask because I have to load credit on the cell phone and there’s an offer right now that doubles the value. But if the world ends tomorrow I will not have time to spend it all. It is not that I plan to call everyone to say goodbye. I do not care. And they will blame it on me.

Also, I will make sure not to schedule anything after 1 p.m. Although I do not think you will have time to hook up with Batgirl, no offense. Let me remind you that you could not advance her for forty years … Me? Let me say that I am almost there. I have Catwoman under my cape. Well, I have a wider cape now. She might have a few extra pounds now. And so do I… Last time I was hanging from the bat-rope and felt like they the strands were breaking. Yes, bat-ropes now are made weaker.

Yes, I know, it’s more likely that you destroy the world that I can hit on Catwoman. But in the unlikely event that you accomplish something with Batgirl (…), or according to you, in the impossible case I achieve something with Catwoman, you will suspend the end of the world, won’t you? Miracles can happen, after all.

Well, until tomorrow, and if I sleep late and do not go, Happy End of the World for you all.

(hangs up) Honey, I will not be here for lunch tomorrow. I’ll try to save the world, as always. I am not sure if I will succeed, but it will surely be a good try. At least, I will delay it for a while…

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